Peter Hitchens is the less famous, less talented, less drunk, but equally crazy brother of polemicist Christopher Hitchens. This week, he has offered a new theory on the meteoric political rise of Barack Obama.
Under the guise of "investigative journalism", he implies to his reading audience that Obama's electoral success has less to do with his rhetorical and organizational gifts, and more to do with the 1976 Gregory Peck classic "The Omen".
A few snippets:
He also revealed that he was the sort of person who goes into a revolving door behind you and then comes out of it in front of you.
Good Lord, what "sort of person" is that? He "revealed" this ability?! I...well, I've never heard of a person doing that, anywhere...ever.
However, if someone did reveal this trick to me, frankly, I would stop, point, and shout "Bad ass, man. Badass. You...you would be a cool president." If Barack Obama had just done a short demo of that Monday night on Letterman, you think we'd be calling Super Tuesday a tie today?
Somehow, all of Obama's challengers made a mess of their nomination papers. They were all disqualified. Only Obama's papers, miraculously, were perfect.
And the senator claimed in that Nevada debate he doesn't keep a clean desk! Hah! The false modesty! EVIL!
Finally, Peter lays it out for us without all this hedging:
It was almost like the film The Omen. Anybody who got in his way just melted away or met a nasty end.
But this time nobody could possibly blame him, though the mysterious figure of his feared spin-doctor David Axelrod lurks in the background here, and some suspect his hand in at least some of Obama's luck.
The first slice of good fortune was that the seat was empty - the incumbent suddenly retired, citing "family issues".
The former Democratic holder of the seat, prominent black politician Carol Moseley Braun, could have had it for the asking - and Obama would not have dared challenge her - but she ruled herself out.
That still left a couple of major Democratic challengers. But Obama unexpectedly won union support and wiped out one of them.
The second, Blair Hull, was a tougher proposition until details of his divorce papers were unsealed, revealing his wife's accusations of abuse, which virtually destroyed him.
Obama won the Democratic nomination.
To win election to the Senate, Obama would have had a major battle against Republican Jack Ryan. But then Ryan's divorce papers were also unsealed, revealing that his wife Jeri - an actress famous for her tight costumes in Star Trek: Voyager - had accused him of pressuring her to have sex in public in kinky clubs.
Ryan denied it, but that was the end of him.
The Republicans pretty much gave up the struggle at this stage, picking a candidate who had no connections with Illinois. Obama couldn't lose.
So, let's just break this down: David Axelrod is a creepy devilish sort, for being a "spin doctor". Some "suspect his hand in Obama's luck"? Well, of course they do. He's a tough, smart political operative, working for an even tougher, smarter candidate—for a living. Does Peter Hitchens think politics is actually witchcraft—Axelrod as Rasputin?
Then, somehow, the Obama Axelrod of Magic:
a) Forced incumbent Sen. Peter Fitzgerald to retire, even though that was quite unnecessary, since not only his colleagues in Washington, but also those in Illinois, were forcing him out of office (He was probably the most unpopular senator in Congress at the time).
b) Mind-controlled Carol Moseley Braun into not running for her old senate seat (Again, unnecessary, since Moseley Braun was already running for President that year, not the U.S. Senate—a fact left unmentioned by Hitchens, of course).
c) Arm-twisted the local unions into strangely supporting a pro-labor, progressive Democrat with proven electoral success.
d) Made Blair Hull beat his wife.
e) Designed Jeri Ryan's "tight costumes in Star Trek: Voyager".
f) Conjured Alan Keyes from the residue of Obama's many notorious "present" votes.
This is at least a sort of original attack on Barack, I guess. Someone should forward it to the Hillary campaign. Wait, judging by the comments I've seen on Taylor Marsh, Hillary's sheer awesomeness has already blotted out the sun...
BTW, please be a sport and play the Taylor Marsh Challenge. It's simple: if you are an Obama supporter, hop on over to her "Democratic" site, and post a comment on one of her columns saying something nice about Obama.. It's kind of like one of those electronic bull-riding bar competitions from that point on—inasmuch as how quickly do you get banned from commenting there...FOREVER!!!
